Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
