What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
