i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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