I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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