You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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