I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
