I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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