tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize