He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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