Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
