Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
