Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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