I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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