I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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