Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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