ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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