I forgot how hot balto sounded
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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