Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It's never too late to be topless.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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