Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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