My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
