saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
