You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You left your phone here
Wait...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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