Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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