Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
