I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize