Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
