Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
