Kiss
Puke
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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