You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
