I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
