I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
