The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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