Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
