one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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