Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
