Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The power of my boobs compel you
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
