She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
And then my night got REAL pukey
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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