I wannas sexs uuuuu
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
