Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
