Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
