I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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