They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
