areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
