All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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