Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
