She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
