What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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