I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
