Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
