New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Randomize