Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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