I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
