I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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