Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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