I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
