you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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