either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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