yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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