My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
