turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
