so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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