Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
