I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
