Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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