So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
