We're facebook friends in real life
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
